Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
