Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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