I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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