Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
