When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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