Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
