I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
