i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!