he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i dont even know how to be here
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."