i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...