I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
