i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
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You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize