I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
