Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
