Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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