i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
