check it out our google latitudes are spooning
it hurts more in the daytime
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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