hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
