I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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