Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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