So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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