Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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