I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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