6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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