no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
