True but thats because hes a fetus.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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