i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
