he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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