If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
