I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
