I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed