the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall