3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.