I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much