someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
