haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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