Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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