i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
