Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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