I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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