Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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