It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
