im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
