he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
