I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
