Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
your room smells of hookers.
And success
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
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She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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