I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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