if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
