sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
