obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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