I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
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