my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
