the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
