you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
