Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's never too late to be topless.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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