I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
