Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
