I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
