I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
