cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
